Empty

The previous poem was actually meant for a general statement about friendship, but as usual I got carried away so it became more specifically meant for a specific person. Whatever.

Anyway, that poem still does apply generally about friendship. About all my friends. Because they are the only ones that I know about. They come in different shapes and sizes. Mental states. Social and religious backgrounds and has many twisted and straight understandings.

But why do I miss them? How do you explain a lost you see everyday? Or should I say the other kind of lost. I feel lost as well you see. With them, any one of them at one time or with several of them altogether, its always a wonder. They are one person at one point and another at another. Sometimes, I miss them because they are not themselves you see? And another time I hate them, because they are themselves you see. But for most times when they are gone, away, not by my side, I miss them like a long lost sister. I fear of loosing them when I'm away far too long. And some I do, lose them I mean. But others, I gain stronger bonds with through the distance that we learn to appreciate. But I do love them all. Oh yes I do.

Then what's the matter? I keep asking myself over and over again. Some I lose because I stay away from them. Sometimes I couldn't understand them, and couldn't accept certain states of their being. For liquor or for drugs. For work or foreplay. Therefore, I stray. Stray so I could learn to understand and appreciate them as whoever they are. Or so I thought. Well, maybe in the end I am just hurt, all by myself, for the changes they have undergone without me. I fear I know them no more. And in the end we are just goodbye friends.

I miss them now, the lot of them. I have few friends because I trust all of them. I am very cautious that way. Sometimes I wish I'm not so I wouldn't be too lonely.

As to the person the poem is about, I wish I could see this person again and wish we were friends still. I hate losing peoples I trust, I feel a part of me being confusing, un-understanding, angry, lonely, sad and mainly regret. There are many many happy wishes I wish for this person, but I fear nothing like that is coming my way from this person. And I've discovered--Tonight--that everything I feel for this person fro time to time applies to all the friends I have always and almost never. Wish I understood all of you better, wish I could open up more without fear of losing myself in it. And perhaps I have, but am just afraid that if I go any further, I would drown and never surface as the person that I really am.

Maybe the person that I've lost are not my friends, but myself. And thats how I lose my friends.

I confuse myself.