Empty

The previous poem was actually meant for a general statement about friendship, but as usual I got carried away so it became more specifically meant for a specific person. Whatever.

Anyway, that poem still does apply generally about friendship. About all my friends. Because they are the only ones that I know about. They come in different shapes and sizes. Mental states. Social and religious backgrounds and has many twisted and straight understandings.

But why do I miss them? How do you explain a lost you see everyday? Or should I say the other kind of lost. I feel lost as well you see. With them, any one of them at one time or with several of them altogether, its always a wonder. They are one person at one point and another at another. Sometimes, I miss them because they are not themselves you see? And another time I hate them, because they are themselves you see. But for most times when they are gone, away, not by my side, I miss them like a long lost sister. I fear of loosing them when I'm away far too long. And some I do, lose them I mean. But others, I gain stronger bonds with through the distance that we learn to appreciate. But I do love them all. Oh yes I do.

Then what's the matter? I keep asking myself over and over again. Some I lose because I stay away from them. Sometimes I couldn't understand them, and couldn't accept certain states of their being. For liquor or for drugs. For work or foreplay. Therefore, I stray. Stray so I could learn to understand and appreciate them as whoever they are. Or so I thought. Well, maybe in the end I am just hurt, all by myself, for the changes they have undergone without me. I fear I know them no more. And in the end we are just goodbye friends.

I miss them now, the lot of them. I have few friends because I trust all of them. I am very cautious that way. Sometimes I wish I'm not so I wouldn't be too lonely.

As to the person the poem is about, I wish I could see this person again and wish we were friends still. I hate losing peoples I trust, I feel a part of me being confusing, un-understanding, angry, lonely, sad and mainly regret. There are many many happy wishes I wish for this person, but I fear nothing like that is coming my way from this person. And I've discovered--Tonight--that everything I feel for this person fro time to time applies to all the friends I have always and almost never. Wish I understood all of you better, wish I could open up more without fear of losing myself in it. And perhaps I have, but am just afraid that if I go any further, I would drown and never surface as the person that I really am.

Maybe the person that I've lost are not my friends, but myself. And thats how I lose my friends.

I confuse myself.

I miss U

I dream about you
Often
Sometimes seldom

I dream about you
Day and Night
When I wake up
I wish I could go back to bed
So you could be back by my side

I dream about you
Sometimes in joy
Sometimes in pain
But mostly in suffering
Cause when I wake up
I know its all going to end

I dream about you
Sometimes when I'm awake too
Trying to remember last night, trying hard
But I can't

I dream about you
Sometimes based on memory
Sometimes based on experience
Sometimes based on wishes, hopes and prayers

I dream about you
Some about who you were
Sometimes about who you are
Sometimes about who you will be

I dream about you
But I don't understand why I do
You shouldn't be here

I dream about you
But do you dream about me?
I rather doubt it

Just because I'm annoyed...

What is your view on 'conforming'??

Does it mean that in order to be friends with a certain group, you have to have certain things, act certain ways, even dress certain brands/shops/trends?

Honestly, as much as I hate to admit and how I try to unadmit even--to be in denial, to not think that way, to think NOT--its sorta kinda, duh-yes-it-is actually true for most parts and most people. How difficult people make life is huh? Just becoz some think they're better/prettier/richer/more popular/clickier than others. Unfortunately, 'others' tend to follow suit, coping with such tags. How sad.


In actual fact, we don't need to conform. That's the use of having a Will. Free Will. People should accept and understand each other, just the way they are. No ONE or TWO or THREE needs to follow the ways of the group to be part of a group. Maybe, some will argue, that is what conformity, community, unitedness is all about. TO CONFORM to a common set of values. Believe me, I STUDIED this.


But you know, maybe conform shouldn't be the word. Try UNDERSTANDING. ACCEPTANCE OF DIVERSITY IN ITS OWN BEAUTY.


Conformity maybe just the source of the killings we have today. All this multiethnic/multireligion clashings. People don't understand each other, they say things about each other they don't even know about. Just because certain people don't do/act/think the way 'most' people do in certain places do. What do they do? KILL! KILL! KILL!


We see it at schools today, at college walkways, even in corporate environments. Groupies, Popular VS Geeks, Smarter/More handsome. More money than some stand out/are more successful than those who can't afford. Same thing! Haih...


Maybe all this is just coming from a sense of annoyance of how spoiled kids are nowadays, and these spoiled brats who have a sense of superiority over minorities/non-conforms think they can have everything their own way. They have nooo feeling of value on money whatsoever. Spending daddy's green, red, grenish blue papers like the time the spend with their groupies socializing. They trample over others including non-conform friends, family, even strangers. I feel bad, talking about them this way, because when I meet them, they are as friendly, sweet, confident and outgoing as you get. They kiss your cheeks at introduction, or shake your hands firmly to show they mean business.


Try observing every once in a while. They have a certain air about them, "SMUGNESS".
They do things with their friends and act like they're alright. With no shame, no remorse.



I love these people, just as much as I love the rest of the world in all its colorful happiness, changes, differences, pains, sufferings. I learn from them, tell myself and try too hard not to be like them.

But sometimes, just because I'm annoyed, I mentally strangle them, shake their eyeballs out, and scream in their face how they act like everything revolves around them. WORSHIP ME MY ASS!

The Bitch who Drove us Apart

There will be a poem based on this title. Until I feel more inspired, this will be all.

MORTIFYING MOMENTS

I think he might know, something is going on my in transparent brain. Its scattered all over the place. Too obvious too obvious. Gosh lil lady! You need to calm down. EMBARRASSING!

A Tribute To A Memory

I wish you remember
I wish you were here
I wish compromise you prefer
Than to disappear.
I wish you hadn't wrote me off
Or blank me out of your mind
Because even though you yell and scoff
You know I never really mind.
I wish I was apart of you
The one to root you along
Even when the sky is blue
Or when you ride in the storm.
I wish I could hold your hand
And hands weren't the only thing together
Though we thought "This will never end"
Your heart could never be mine nor was it ever.

I wish you had stayed, I wish you considered,
Well maybe you did, Maybe it wouldn't have differed.
For we were young, we were fools,
We tried holding on, oh wait that wasn't you,

So now I wish good luck, I wish you well
I wish you happiness, friendship and health
But most of all I wish you goodbye
So I could move on
So I could be strong
So I could wish for you
No more.


-by AMALIA.M.ZUKI

Giving a Go at Freedom and the Online Platform

Assignment 3, Question 8: Generasi muda lebih gemarkan berita dalam talian. (The young generation prefers online news.)

I recall my first experience with the Internet at my mother’s office one fine Saturday morning. I was twelve, and during that time the Internet was just something useful for the office—or so I thought. That day, my mother thought it would be interesting for me to learn to use the Internet. That way she could keep me occupied while she go about her business. She said I could chat and make friends online. She taught me how to access the Yahoo Chat website, how to register as a user (its free!) and how to get into chat rooms. There were hundreds of them! At first I learned the patterns of the conversation. Once you choose a chat room, there is a list of nicknames on the right-hand side of the screen. We could choose to talk in the public chat room, or double-click on the nicknames to have a private conversation with the other person. The first thing everyone asks each other is our age (A), gender (S; sex), and where are we from or currently at (L; location)—A/S/L.

The first thing I noticed was that most people in the chat room—I tried the public chat room first—were aged 3 to 6 years older than I was. Others were even older. I tried telling the truth—the truth shall set you free!—but when I told them I was a mere child of twelve nobody continued the conversation. Probably they thought I was too young and are too childish. So I lied. I told everyone who IM me—Instant Message, the private chat space—that I was either sixteen or eighteen, depending on the other person’s A/S/L response. Somehow that hit things of. We all talked about anything under the sun: about our native countries and the cultures, about music and movies, about families and friends and hobbies. I was puzzled that many have never heard of a country named Malaysia. In fact, the only thing they’ve heard about it is that the people live on trees, and I was furious and thought it was such an inconceivably ridiculous and hilarious idea at the same time. Sometimes there are men and women looking for a quick virtual intercourse (yuck!). With them, I would try to divert the conversation, or simply click them off my screen and block them from continuing the IM. After that day, I managed to befriend one girl decently and honestly. I remember her; her name was Kylie, nickname Bambulator, from either Canada or the Northern part of the States. I remember she mentioned that where she lived, it was cold and had a lot of snow. We kept in contact through e-mail ever since, until one day the Internet at home (we soon had one installed) was hit by lightning and my parents never got it fixed because it was too expensive.

As years went by, the Internet started to evolve and expand. Along with it the Internet vogue has also advanced, yet the basic components are still the same. The Internet is a source of unlimited freedom of expression. Through it anyone could create multiple identities aside from their reality. There is no way to tell weather he or she is telling truth or lies, but anonymity does not matter to anyone as long as the sharing of information is mutual and satisfies both parties. The Internet provides a channel for open discussions about anything which could function as a medium for publicity and PR approach; for example with the case where I gave a more accurate insight on the real Malaysia. The Internet also allows customization. The public chat rooms I entered were categorized based on a topic of common interest—Religion, Hobbies, Race, Gender, Values and Believes. Where the person goes from there with others in the chat room is up to them. There is no control or obvious risks for anyone in the virtual world. Concisely, anything is possible over the World Wide Web. Just another advantage of the Internet is that it allows personalization. With the emergence of blogs and bloggers, information is put into a form where it is based on personal experience and knowledge

At present, dissemination of information is not limited to interactive conversations over the virtual line. The Blog became a revolution of the phrase ‘Freedom of Expression’. Its definition changed from ‘a diary where you could share your interest with anyone who comes across it’ to ‘a medium of expressing ideas and ideals to the local and international public’. Sometimes these ideas are so strong, one could attract others who share the same views towards their cause. The evolution of Internet vogue included the ability to share multiple forms of information—through videos and pictures that could be viewed from anywhere the Internet is available.

It’s no wonder youths spend most of their time online rather than doing anything else. Its no wonder mainstream or traditional media news in Malaysia have difficulty competing with such freedom. Urbanites especially—as they are the once most Internet literate—enjoy these sources of information as they grow more critical of the news content provided by the local mainstream media. Malaysians want media independence, half of them believing the mainstream media to be performing below the best of ethical standards. This is the conclusion made from a survey which was commissioned by a media watchdog known as The Centre of Journalism, Malaysia (CIJ). The survey was conducted by Merdeka Centre for Opinion Research from 8 to 14 May 2008. 1,201 random respondents answered the telephone interviews, all were selected proportionally according to state residence, ethnicity and sex. The following are results of the survey:

Eighty-seven percent of those polled would like to see changes leading to greater media independence: 26 percent wanted a more critical media, 23 percent thought a complaint mechanism was the best answer for the malaise affecting the media, while 19 percent wanted an enabling environment for media plurality.

However, 35 percent believed that the onus for media reform was on the government. Significantly, 79 percent were unaware of the role civil society organisations in promoting media independence. Seventy-eight percent agreed that media owners have a significant impact on content and may therefore be a hindrance to media independence. Half identified the government (53 percent of respondents) and people/companies connected to the government (15 percent) as the owners of most media outlets.

The survey revealed that Malaysians were critically assessing the content of the local mainstream media, upon which the majority relied heavily as sources of information. Asked to rate the performance of the mainstream media according to six indicators—ethical, variety of opinions included, variety of issues covered, objectivity, fairness and truthfulness—only 56 percent said they were all met; the figure plummetted to 35 percent when it came to fairness of reporting.

Malaysians were also opposed to censorship of topics of public interest: Eighty percent thought coverage of outbreaks of diseases should not be censored, 69 percent felt strongly about exposing allegations/implications of corruption, 58 percent wanted reports of street demonstrations, and 48 percent did not think the identities of crime victims and criminals should be kept hidden. The only censorship that Malaysians overwhelmingly agreed to was on vulgarities, indecent pictures, and lurid and obscene details.

This survey is among the many reflections of the current mainstream media situation. People have lost faith as they recognize either the increase of focus on sensational political issues as headlines (which, ironically, are attention getters) or too much of the nation section of the newspaper consist of Government interest news. It does not make things any better for the public to realize most local news agencies are controlled by media related laws and own by Government-related bodies. They seek alternative sources, the Internet, to balance their source of information.

The teenage years are the most crucial part of life. This is the age of rebellion; and how an individual overcomes this part of life will determine their self-presentation and emotional as well as psychological state of being. A blog, is mostly where an individual develops and expresses his/her ideas that cannot be voiced to his/her family or friends. The individual may have his/her own views on politics, society and the environment, yet may feel afraid or have doubts to share them with others (as we all know, the teenage years are also the time peers have the most influence and that conformity to the majority of the society is crucial). The Blog is a sanctuary; a haven created by our inner voices to express daily opinions and the intellect. Leaving the age of secondary schools, many youths still opt for these channels, but today the Internet provides a platform which allows youths to not only express their opinions and ideas, but also share and include others towards their cause. One significant name among youths is The Cicak.com. A website, a blog, a platform of pure youth voices speaking to the public relating to politics, social, economy anything intellectually worthy of level discussions. This is what the new generation wants, a place to be heard, to be considered, to be express that they too have a say in the country. And these people are not dumb, and practice fair amount of self-censorship, as their focus is to share ideas and information, and not criticize without base or strong grounds. This is the news youth of the new generation seeks.

Sure, youths enjoy freedom, but todays’ youth are intelligent and analytical as they are out-spoken. The freedom catered to us are better managed, as long as there is an appropriate platform we could use to channel our voices.