My dying wish.

Why do I still think and feel like this? One time I'm ok, the next day I would start to think again...

I want him to come and fetch his things. Then I want to reach out and hold his hand, like he held mine last two years. I can't move, I can barely breathe. I think the color on my face ran out. I duno why I didn't resist then. I want to do the same to him.

Then I want to touch his face, his eyes, his lips. I want to hold it for the last time because I know he will run away again.

Finally I want to kiss him, say goodbye. I want to tell him I love him, and that if given the chance, I'd do everything with him all over again. No, I would do everything better. I would try and try and never give up. I would never give up on him.

But I know, he will easily give up on me. He never explain things to me, always wanting me to be in his shoes. I never hate him, I never thought we fight. But he hated our arguments. When I thought it as a learning process, he thought our fights were destructive.

I want him to be here tonight because we can meet in the night when no one can see us clearly. I can kiss him and not make him worry. I can tell him I love him, and that I wish for us to try harder one day and really try one day. I know he will never want to see me again after that. But i think, thats ok. Because he needs to go away because I can't. I have to tell him I love him, and that I will always love him. And then I'll be happy and he will go away. Then, and only then, will I be able to let him go because he will make sure I will never get to see him again. Ever.